Autism does SUCK, and because it is such a ubiquitous part of life for our family, I’m going to probably dedicate some of my most frequent posts to the topic. There will hopefully be alot of other things that I’ll post about as well, including updates on other less heavy topics that I feel are relevant for whatever reason. But for now I’m finding myself consumed with thoughts, fears, prayers, soul searching, and a tremendous amount of frustration about this disorder that has such a pervasive and profound grip on my son Joshua, and on all of us who love and care for him, and so it is currently THE topic. Though there are quite honestly many times when the stress of it all fills me with despair and a sense of dread, I’m going to try to make a point of also reflecting on the moments of joy, love, and happiness that present themselves, and finding some spirit-renewing glimmers of hope that I can share here.
My primary objective for starting to post in this blog again (after a very brief and unsuccessful attempt in late 2009/early 2010) is that I believe it will be therapeutic to have a place where I can put my thoughts and feelings somewhere so that they don’t just course through my brain incessantly. I don’t have any delusions of grandeur that would make me think that my view of things is somehow important beyond my own perspective of who I am, and possibly within my little spectrum of influence in the world – most particularly my family. But I think that by taking time to describe how and why something matters to me, I can release it and then reflect on it later. Maybe it will serve a purpose to guide and reinforce my beliefs and values, or maybe it will allow me to see how my thoughts may have changed over time. I have been known to wake up in the middle in the night and make lists of things that were on my mind, but that’s only sufficient to provide a momentary purge of some particular thought that I’ve latched onto. I like the idea of allowing myself to fully explore the things that are important to me in writing, and I do feel a sense of accomplishment and completion in being able to elaborate on some of the things that touch my life and help shape my experiences.
For example, a few years ago, there was a period of time when I found myself to be extremely depressed by the passing of three young people of either high school or college age. We only knew each in some peripheral way, and yet, the collective weight of their deaths had a significant impact on me. I decided to write down my feelings about the tragedy of lives lost too soon, and the hope of what God has waiting for us, and spent several hours pouring deeply-held beliefs and emotions into a Journal that I was going to start. Unfortunately, I lost the Journal before I ever got back to reading it again, and I don’t want to ever let that happen again. One of the things that has prevented me from more frequently posting is the desire to get everything I want to say written down in one post, and never getting to the point of finding an ending. I’ve decided to make a very deliberate attempt to cut these down into smaller pieces so that I can more fully focus on a single point or two, and hopefully then more accurately articulate the depth of their impact and importance on what I’m trying to convey. My hope is that this blog will be a therapeutic and inspiring endeavor that I can one day share with loved ones. And I’m sure that if they do eventually read this, they will appreciate this attempt at relative brevity. Until next time..